s my d

so it's fairly early what 1 oclock?
idk i haven't been on this in 4 months
but i have no one to talk to about shit
i just have to write and read over and over what i write.
tsk
i will be very sparatic since so much is on my mind.
first off. im over you accept that please
i still don't know whether i want to be friends at all
i just dont want to have any feelings for you
i want to have never met you the bad memories outweigh the good

i have not spoken with my dad in months as well probably since september 1st or 2nd
my biological father i have been talking to lately and im going down there for thanksgiving im trying to be mature and let him in my life but im so used to being let down by everyone i care about i can't deal with that shit anymore just understand it someone please for the love of christ.

school why did you have to be such a pain in the dick.
i did so good when i was younger
really the only thing good that came out of therapy was that dumbass chart you did dr.carlson
it showed the more that you pieces of shit came into my life
the more confused i got and the worse my actions became
the fighting the disciplinary actions the jails i have been in
its all fucking my fault but other people have helped determine my fate as well
don't misinterpret that either i am not blaming others i am taking responsibility for all of my actions and any thing that has happened i am able to be mature and deal with that.
however i realized i may have a potential problem.
i have been drinking alot lately alot alot.
every night
with others or alone
this is much worse than any drugs i have dabbled in
i got myself out of that
but this is relentless i feel not as if i need it but it helps so much rather that i can't help but drink more and more.
i told myself i wouldn't be you i told myself i wouldn't ruin my life the way you did yours i told myself i wouldn't be a piece of shit
don't worry i am working on it you are the scum not me
i know how to treat women even if i am not good at that whole game
i won't abuse them rape them hurt them the way you did
i will accept fully the actions that i choose to take
i will succeed without you despite your mindset

i have learned to mature and live without others emotionally nonetheless
i will also learn soon enough how to live financially without others

i am growing up faster everyday
every single day i am becoming a better person
whether or not its who i want to be
it is progress
not everything i want to do in life will be accomplished but a great deal of it will i can assure you that.
these old memories all these old memories are holding me down.



i am into you so much.
i can't think about anything else when i am with you.
i get nervous i don't know what to do
but you like me for me.
for the first time ever i think that this has happened
whether this ends up amazing or terrible
im going to roll with it
cause i am extremely happy with anything that has to do with you.


there is so much more.
i can't do this all.
i can't write enough.
my mind is moving way too fast
none of you will ever know what goes on in here.
someone take the time and talk to me.
be a genuinely good person
show me i am a hypocrite.
plz.

fin,

so damn i havent written on this thing in a fucking longgg time
i guess its more so cause i think people will see it and i dont know how i feel about that
so i guess ill act like no one can and ill be ok
i've been kicked out for almost 2 months now and a ton of shit has happened
i've grown up a hell of a lot. had some crazy times some real emotional times
and its like summer is flying by
i have a semi steady job and the pay isnt too bad for the relentless hours i work
im trying to buy a car and get on my own feet
i stay with my dad quite a bit but its not the kind of relationship i want with him
all he does is scream and fight with me or beat up on me rather but it seems he is the only person i take shit from cause i want him to care so badly
i do whatever he wants just cause i dont want to have a shitty father soo badly
i feel like its my fault he is the way he is
the same with my mom
she treated me so good for so long and didnt give up on me when everyone else had
but i had to go and fuck that up
well now im taking responsibility and living and learning on my own im completely fine with
another thing is i miss missouri very much so as much as i despise my biological father i really miss trips down to visit him and my brother and sister
i saw my stepmom for a while up here it was good it just makes me realize how badly i deal with old memories with things changing how i cant let go of certain things
i refuse to abandon them they way he did me i cant do it
i miss the experiences he gave me
florida the people the beach the everything
missouri the late nights the trouble
then there is here the old childhood the new one the billion schools
the friends that come and go
i am torn in a million diff directions and this is just the tiniest of my problems but what hurts me the most and what i find is most hard to deal with
victoria finally decides she might want to do something with me and im finally deciding to move on from her yet i know i love her more than anything
my baby sister why cant she just get better everyone else does why cant she
why does my mom have to deal with me why does everyone go away why does everything change why do people have a dad that hang out with them and i dont
what did i do wrong?
i stay away from drugs after what happened
i dont drink
i seldom involve in mischief anymore
im trying to be a better person and the more i try to improve myself the worse things get
i have too many questions and too many wonders of how things work why things happen
im writing this for me not for anyone else
i have no way of venting no bestfriend to tell everything to
too many of you come and go too many of you have betrayed me or not been there when i needed you which was when? i never ask for help i never needed you but you still are gone when i left for a litttle while thats it
i come back and you are gone
act like nothing ever happened like everything is going to be ok
life is harder to deal with every day im finding and i dont know how much longer i can do it
i love the challenge i love the spontaneousy i love not knowing i love being scared i love being everything that has been put in front of me i love feeling blessed but at the same time i know that it was all put into place by those before me who? mom and dad.
the father thing is harder on me than anything nothing can break me nothing can bother me more than telling my dad i love him and not having him tell me he loves me back. just once i want him to say it and actually mean it i havent heard it since i was a kid. why am i so fucking disappointing to people? what the fuck is soo wrong with me? i know im growing up i know im supposed to have responsibilities just i still fucking want to be a kid sometimes i still am a kid...i want you to be proud of me for what i do good and mad when i do something bad not just not care at all...thats all i get thats all ive ever had ..myself the feeling that i dont need anyone else and im fucking sick of it i hate it more than anything for once i want someone to want to love me i want someone to care without me iniciating that i want someone to be genuinely interested in what i have to say to listen to me when i want to complain i am the most loyal fucking person on this planet and i would die in an instant for those i care about the few that are left and i want someone to feel that way about me all i can feel anymore is hate fuck the world fuck god fuck life fuck living fuck everything i dont care anymore i need someone to show me how to care i need someone to show me blood isnt enough i need someone to show me they care.


fuck this stupid livejournal
fuck everything i wrote
fuck everything period.


"life sucks then we die"


so have some fucking fun

broken home.
broken lyyyfe.
all alonnee.

out of moms.
in and out of friends.
going to work with my dad next week.
we will see how long this lasts.
my birthday is in 20 days
get into it

fuck god
fuck life
666

haha.
right now check it.
im the happiest i've been in 2007.
and just as miserable.
im losing friends and im ok with that.
im learning to deal with change.
im learning to roll with shit and let it happen.
im growing up alot and learning to be a kid at the same time.

i have a hard time letting go.
but we'll work on that later.
today im going to get some food.
get some sleep.
and repeat this past night.
sounds good to me.

haha i don't know what to say.

wasn't half bad.
show wasn't the best ever but.
something about it i did like.
took my mind off things for a little bit.
i liked that.
now back to fucking life as we know it.
it never ends, and happiness lives so far away from me.
its relentless.
so 5:30 as per usual and im writing on this fucking thing.
the sunrise is absolutely beautiful
and i am just i have no idea.
emotionless?

im sad but i don't know how to express it.
im thinking about how much i miss my younger years.
yet everything has changed so damn much im torn between
EVERYTHING.
fuck.
is all i can say.
i can say FUCK why the fuck does this happen
then i can go lay down and think some more.
then sleep a little less.
progress in my daily life a little less.
be a little less sparatic with my punctuation
fuck fuck fuck fuck
i hate complaining i hate complainers
i hate everything changing i hate memories
i need to swallow a bullet and make these go away.

guilty.

not really but.
i do believe its like 5:30 ish
therefore its saturday but i havent gone to bed yet
so its hard to grasp a sense of time per se
but last night was well spent.
got evicted HAHAHA no .
went to cliftonpark and saw my brother for the first time in about 3 months
it made me so happy just to get to see him and hang out
honestly i dont know how much ill get to see him
and its going to be so hard to understand how much different it is without him living with me and being in my life everyday
i saw victoria and that was hard as always but it was good seeing her nonetheless i still care about her so so much its unbelievable
back in columbia thats fucking gay
and i wish i could sleep really
i cant get anything ever
i also want to sing in a band really bad
its just idk i want to express how i feel in a constructive way
without everyone thinking im a complete fuckup
contrary to belief i have feelings as well

well im about to walk to Mjs for some breakfast
im in middleburgh and honestly
it has gotten to the point where i dont want to come here anymore
simply because i know i'll have to leave come sunday
and i dont want to leave ever
i hate leaving i hate people leaving
i hate everything nowadays

wait and see what happens, its inevitable; it will happen
i promise that

im on the edge of the rooftop thinking nobody will ever know
i hope that you want to be the one to see the distance from the road


tried to get my dad to go to dinner with me last night
tried so hard
but he doesn't want to
i wish just once
just once

had the best set i've seen in soo long
saturday night was good
suck my dick if you disagree
saratoga is one of my new favorite places to be
fuck rich kids, fuck money, fuck haters
friends rule, seeing friends from far away rules more
them leaving doesn't rule
tonight will suck soley for that reason
i don't like when people leave or cope well with it
its how its been its how it is

courtesy of sondra
You call that negative?
Think I'm out of touch?
Well, I can't stand living
I can't stand you
and I just can't hate enough

is an understatement
im assuming its saturday
its 6 am its beautiful out
havent slept yet and don't plan on it today
ill probally sleep in the car to my ipod as per usual
but no beds fuck em
last night was well spent walking around saratoga
then came back to mitches
and we hung here for a bit
went to dennys found ryan laduc and tommyyyy and dan
that was good considering dan and ryan were wasssted
then some dude shows up and i didnt know who he was but
i said something to tommy about him and he starts saying shit to me
and being a faggot
soon do i find out its tony stallions
the scumbag who tried to get with vikki whom is 15 this dude is about 25
but whatev fuck him fuck her fuck everyone
went back to mitches got molested by my drunk friends whom i adore
they peaced
we watched happyfeet
with this girl and hell mitch has a chica ohh la la
pretty sure him and i both had great nights
so im sitting here whilst everyone is sleeping smiling
cause today is going to be good whether i like it or not
idc it will be a good fucking day and i will make sure of it
i can sit here and gladly say my 4:20 Ruled

one love, one hate
fuck life
666

i hate stupid fucking girls
every girl ever is a stupid fucking girl too

i love sloressss

take your tears and go away

just got home from utica.
show was mediocre
recon played a real short set 
and thats all i really cared about
give em hell was ill too
no fights unfortunately, i tried but w/e
ride home wasnt bad
reminiced with brian about
trips to florida where im actually happy
came home to my mom taking away my dog from me
the only thing i really honestly care about right now
breaks my heart truthfully
cause im really attached to that fucking thing real quick
tonight is poison the well
i guess im going only cause shes going
and whatevv

SO THE "FATHER" tried callng today
HAHAHAHAH FUCK YOU CUNT
my aunt  hung herself
my family is a fucking joke
and actually its nonexistent
i want one so badly
fuck im just miserable i hate everything
for realz  honestly just

 I want to die